I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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