I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
