If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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