rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
