I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
