my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
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And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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