Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My vagina just clenched in fear
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
