sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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