she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
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I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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