I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
