you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
