How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
