Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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