He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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