I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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