It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
