I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
