Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
