im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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