Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
