Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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