he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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