Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
