sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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