She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
