do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
