My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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