Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize