remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
