it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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