I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
