so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
