i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
