I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
