My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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