If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
