i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
