You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
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I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?