It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married