I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
