The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
