ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
