not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
