Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You can't motorboat a personality
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
