you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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