I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
