and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
from now on my penis is your penis
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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