I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
