Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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