My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
