Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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