"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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