Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Congratulations! We have a period
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
