dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
