If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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