We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
