she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
