I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
