we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
