if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
