you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
